Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
