So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
