...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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