did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
