i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you will always have a special place in my vag
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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