Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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