I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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