I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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