I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
