I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
