Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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