Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
