im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
