I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
