i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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