i would punch a child for taco bell
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
