Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
