I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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