just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
