I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
