There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
