Soap is not a condiment
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
it's like heaven, but drunker
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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