Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sober January is a disaster.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
