I need to stop coming to work sober
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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