based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
