bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
