I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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