my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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