I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
