Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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