I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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