its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
