Cold hands, warm shart.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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