1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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