Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
