I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
