I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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