Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
