Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I have peed in a lot of sinks
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
