i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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