are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
