At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
