i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
