I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
