So drunk its hurt
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
