So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
