So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
