Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
