Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
