I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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