Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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