I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
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