It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
