what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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