I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
