I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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