Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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