Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
