Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
this just has baby written all over it
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
is that a dick in a sweater?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
